Jessica (lukecanwaltz88) wrote in secretscomposed,

Of What Could Be (Tony/Ziva, PG)

TITLE: Of What Could Be
PAIRING: Tony DiNozzo/Ziva David
GENRE: Romance, angst
SUMMARY: Tony thinks about his complicated relationship with Ziva.
DISCLAIMER: Not mine! Never have been, and never will be! Still broke, still little old me.
NOTES: This was written for fromiftowhen for the Holiday Advent Calendar 2011. The prompt was "Anyone that's making anything new only breaks something else." I hope you like it, hon!

”You jeopardized your entire career, and for what?”
“For you.”

The sounds of “Shippin’ Up to Boston” throw Tony out of his dream. He’s fallen asleep with The Departed in again. Tony moves slowly, reaching for the remote to start the movie from the beginning.

In Paris, Tony and Ziva fought over whether to leave the TV on or off, among other things. When she asked him why he needed the television’s noise so badly, he couldn’t figure out how to answer her. Tony stumbled over his words, attempting to form a logical excuse. An excuse sounded better when the truth would create more problems, anyway.

The truth was that it was a habit he’d developed earlier that summer. The thought of Ziva, dying alone at sea, was more than he could take. Every time he closed his eyes, he thought of her. He thought of her and how lonely it must have been on the Damocles. He thought of how he left things with her, of her face as she threw him to the ground, a gun pointed at his chest. He thought of all the things he wanted to say to her, but couldn’t.

Now, a particularly tough case can often will him to put in a DVD before he falls asleep, but for the most part, he sleeps in silence. He knows he can’t be picky; he has his second chance. But he still thinks of all the things he wants to say to her, but can’t. He thinks of her cornering him in the copy room, in the men’s bathroom, anywhere and everywhere. He thinks of his hands in her thick, curly hair and his lips on her lips. He thinks of the life they could have together (a nice house, a Siberian Husky… and maybe a kid or two wouldn’t be so bad…). He thinks of all of the things they could be, but aren’t.

Some days it’s easier to wrap his head around than others. But in the meantime, he puts it on his bucket list; it’s a moral obligation to try if it’s on your bucket list, right? He has an obligation to be patient, to wait for the right moment, the right time for both of them. That way, he has some hope he won’t break what they’ve managed to build back up again.
Tags: advent calendar fill, fandom: ncis, pairing: tony/ziva

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